Why Loyalty Matters, Keiningham & Aksoy, Benbella Books, 2009
This book positions itself as presenting “the groundbreaking approach to rediscovering happiness, meaning, and lasting fulfillment in your life and work.” While the book falls short of that tall order, it did contain some insightful material,.
The central thesis of the book:
Loyalty binds us together as people, grounds us on principle, and breeds happiness.
Though a lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life, our culture seems to have decided that loyalty is an old-fashioned and unimportant virtue. That’s wrong and needs to be fixed — the sooner, the better.
Below are 25 nuggets that I highlighted in my reading.
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Ken’s 25 Nuggets from Why Loyalty Matters
- Being loyal is the manifestation of the deliberate choices we make in life.
- Loyalties are signs of the type of person we choose to be. They are the foundation of our character. They demonstrate what we value, what we believe, and what we want our world to be.
- Historically, loyalty was not optional. Ostracism represented the ultimate disgrace. A disloyal society was considered a selfish society.
- The world has shifted from a society of many deep, long-term loyalties to a society of fleeting transactional relationships and ephemeral contacts.
- A Turkish proverb says “show me your friends, and I will show you who you are.”
- Loyalty differentiates friends from acquaintances. Loyal friends won’t abandon us when our need is the greatest..
- In a world of easily shifting loyalties, we are likely to find ourselves surrounded by a churning group of fair-weather friends.
- “It’s easy to get people to come to a party.”
- “A passion for the new quickly wears off, and the old shines through.”
- Close, supportive, connected relationships make for happiness, and people have fewer of these relationships today.
- Oprah says: “lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
- Loyalty is the hallmark of strong relationships and demands sacrifices. Few people will admit that they are not loyal; fewer believe believe that they are surrounded by loyal friends. Typically, we believe we are far more loyal than the recipients of our loyalty believe us to be.
- The dream of being a rebel who rejects the conventions of society will always hold some appeal in our imaginations.
- Real loyalty endures inconvenience, withstands temptation, and does not cringe under assault.
- 25% of Americans report having no close friends in which they could confide things that are important to them. On average, a person has only 2 close confidants.
- Friendship = loyalty, honesty, respect, trust, perseverance, intimacy, help, support, shared experiences.
- In this electronic age, some people build synthetic identities and environments. Their real lives and real friendships can’t compete with their fantasized virtual worlds. So, basic values and common humanity get diminished.
- Challenges to our self-image make us uncomfortable. But, “you cannot see the picture when you are inside the frame.”
- “Most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasure of illusion.”
- Society cannot function and relationships cannot last if betrayal is the readily selected, probable outcome to every perceived grievance, disappointment, and inconvenience.
- Loyalty should never be unconditional. If your loyalty to a relationship influences you negatively, then the relationship is “toxic.” While it may be repairable, sustaining in its current form will damage you.
- There is a difference between self-worth and self-absorption. Narcissism causes some people to devalue loyalty, by conveniently defining supreme loyalty as being loyal to one’s self. That is not a virtue!
- Loyalty requires a commitment to the future. When we fail, we must make every effort to restore what we have damaged.
- To forgive is not to condone. In the end, forgiveness may be needed to preserve a relationship.
- Never, ever ignore your moral compass! Know the difference between right and wrong and adhere to it.
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Subsequent posts will ask the questions: what is your relationship style? And, are you loyal?
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The Homa Files 
July 6, 2009 at 9:03 am |
Ken, if you liked this book, you should try Trust by Fukuyama. Quite good, and brings it up a level from the individual to the societal, and considers the impact of changes levels of trust/loyalty in the competitiveness of a country.
July 6, 2009 at 12:57 pm |
Thank you for the positive review of Why Loyalty Matters. Your 25 points are very good takeaways regarding individual relationships.
I also agree with “Consultant Ninja” that we need to consider loyalty in the context of its impact on society, with which we strongly agree, and discuss at length (e.g., Faith and Loyalty, Teaching Loyalty, A Loyalty Society, etc.).
As a result, I think that there are a few additional points that might be important for us to consider.
1) Each of us has the power to demonstrate the power of loyalty in our communities. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures. But our efforts make our small world better, and over time this small world gets bigger.
2) Our loyalty as citizens demands that we hold our governments accountable to serve the people who elected them. How well politicians serve the people is their measure of loyalty to us–partisanship too often turns into loyalty to the dark side.
3) The media has a powerful role in uniting a community, country, etc. in support of common goals that benefit us all. Too often the media choose conflict and fragmentation.
4) We must teach the core values that lead to loyalty in our children. As Martin Luther King said, “Intelligence plus character–that is the goal of true education.”
5) Loyalty is the raw material of every human value and institution. While it seems idealistic to believe that what we do as individuals in our everyday life can tangibly alter the world in which we live, it actually can and does.
July 9, 2009 at 11:44 pm |
Tell this to all my former girlfriends who ruthlessly dumped me.