Since the election is over, the T-Day conversation at our house shifted to “cow tipping”.
So, let’s dip into the HomaFiles archive for the definitive explanation … with a twist.
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A news story caught my eye yesterday.
But, first some context …
Have you ever heard of “cow tipping?
It’s a ritual where drunk farm boys sneak up on cows and tip them over.
Technical note: I have no idea why they have to be drunk, but it’s always stated that way.
Last year , Modern Farmer magazine published a scientific study on cow tipping.
Basically, Modern Farmer debunked the rural legend:
Cow tipping, at least as popularly imagined, does not exist.
Drunk young men do not, on any regular basis, sneak into cow pastures and put a hard shoulder into a cow taking a standing snooze, thus tipping the poor animal over.
While in the history of the world there have surely been a few unlucky cows shoved to their side by gang of boozed-up morons, we feel confident in saying this happens at a rate roughly equivalent to the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.
The evidence against cow tipping is immense, and backed up by both farmers and the laws of physics
Ignore the cheap shot at my favorite Cubbies … focus on the “boozed up morons” and the “laws of physics”.
The Modern Farmer study was provocative enough that it was picked up by Slate.com with the following headline:
Uh-oh, this is where things get really interesting …
“The Obama administration has denied a bid by two Democratic governors to reconsider how it treats marijuana under federal drug control laws, keeping the drug for now, at least, in the most restrictive category for U.S. law enforcement purposes.”
“So, under federal law, marijuana remains a Schedule 1 controlled substance, which means it’s considered to have “no currently accepted medical use” and a “high potential for abuse.”
Since Baltimore has been in the news, here’s a flashback from the you can’t make this stuff up file …
There’s a notorious gang – the Black Guerrilla Family (BGF) — that is, one could say, well represented in the Baltimore prison population.
Well, court documents have been filed in a massive racketeering case accusing 13 female corrections officers of colluding with the BGF — seven male inmates and several outside gang members.
Colluding may be a gross understatement.
Corrections officers allegedly smuggled contraband such as cellphones, drugs, and weapons to BGFers, and turned a blind eye on the BGF leaders running the outside gang from prison.
You know, garden variety collusion between guards and prisoners.
But, it turns out that several of the guards are also accused of being literally “in bed” with the BGF inmates.
Four of the officers became pregnant with prison gang leader Tavon White’s baby.
One of them got pregnant twice.
Say, what?
The web of relationships got sufficiently complicated that the Baltimore Sun developed an extraordinary infographic.
Don’t squint, below I’ll walk you through it and give you the link.
You know, the Georgetown law student who couldn’t afford $3,000 for birth control pills while going to law school.
Not to worry, we’re not taking sides on the ObamaCare contraceptives issue … this is all about money — freakonomics.
Still, since it’s critical background, here’s an excerpt of her infamous Congressional testimony:
My name is Sandra Fluke, and I’m a third-year student at Georgetown Law School.
I attend a Jesuit law school that does not provide contraceptive coverage in its student health plan.
We students have faced financial, emotional and medical burdens as a result.
When I look around my campus, I see the faces of the women affected by this lack of contraceptive coverage …
On a daily basis, I hear from yet another woman from Georgetown or from another school … and they tell me that they have suffered financially, emotionally and medically, because of this lack of coverage.
Without insurance coverage, contraception, as you know, can cost a woman over $3,000 during law school.
For a lot of students who, like me, are on public interest scholarships, that’s practically an entire summer’s salary.
Forty percent of the female students at Georgetown Law reported to us that they’ve struggled financially as a result of this policy.
It’s a ritual where drunk farm boys sneak up on cows and tip them over.
Technical note: I have no idea why they have to be drunk, but it’s always stated that way.
Last year , Modern Farmer magazine published a scientific study on cow tipping.
Basically, Modern Farmer debunked the rural legend:
Cow tipping, at least as popularly imagined, does not exist.
Drunk young men do not, on any regular basis, sneak into cow pastures and put a hard shoulder into a cow taking a standing snooze, thus tipping the poor animal over.
While in the history of the world there have surely been a few unlucky cows shoved to their side by gang of boozed-up morons, we feel confident in saying this happens at a rate roughly equivalent to the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.
The evidence against cow tipping is immense, and backed up by both farmers and the laws of physics
Ignore the cheap shot at my favorite Cubbies … focus on the “boozed up morons” and the “laws of physics”.
The Modern Farmer study was provocative enough that it was picked up by Slate.com with the following headline:
Uh-oh, this is where things get really interesting …
First, you lose Leno … then you lose Jon Stewart (or more precisely, Stewart’s temp replacement John Oliver) … not good.
Monday night, the Daily Show skewered Clapper and the Prism program.
The fish-in-a-barrel shot was DNI Clapper’s boldface lie to Congress.
The humor isn’t in the content, it’s in the way the dude delivers the lie … like he had taken drama lessons on acting guilty.
Wouldn’t you love to play poker with this fish?
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The best line, though, has to do with the sophisticated algorithms used to to ID somebody as a foreigner: if the nums say there’s a 51% likelihood, then it’s ok to listen in … that passes the NSA “foreigner test”.
Well, let’s see what’s going on. Hey, Snoop is back in the news. Not Snoop Dogg, Snoop Obama. Yeah, Snoop Obama. A big change at the White House today. They closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store. Yeah.
Well, this has become a huge controversy after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records, and of course this has caused a panic among civil libertarians, constitutional scholars and cheating husbands everywhere. Oh my God.
How ironic is that? We wanted a president that listens to all Americans – now we have one. Yeah.
Actually, President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. The president said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS isn’t about targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about!
I mean what’s going on? The White House has looked into our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our e-mails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen? When did that happen? When did that happen?
You know, I’ll tell you, if Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS next time they throw a $4 million party. Why don’t you do that one? Yes, exactly, exactly. Find out about that. Yeah.
There’s a notorious gang – the Black Guerrilla Family (BGF) — that is, one could say, well represent in the Baltimore prison population.
Well, court documents have been filed in a massive racketeering case accusing 13 female corrections officers of colluding with the BGF — seven male inmates and several outside gang members.
Colluding may be a gross understatement.
Corrections officers allegedly smuggled contraband such as cellphones, drugs, and weapons to BGFers, and turned a blind eye on the BGF leaders running the outside gang from prison.
You know, garden variety collusion between guards and prisoners.
But, it turns out that several of the guards are also accused of being literally “in bed” with the BGF inmates.
Four of the officers became pregnant with prison gang leader Tavon White’s baby.
One of them got pregnant twice.
Say, what?
The web of relationships got sufficiently complicated that the Baltimore Sun developed an extraordinary infographic.
Don’t squint, below I’ll walk you through it and give you the link.
Marker’s Mark Bourbon may have made the single dumbest marketing decision ever.
They decided to stretch short supplies of Maker’s Mark by diluting it … by literally adding water.
The company must have been inspired by either:
(a) millions of teenage boys who replenished their dad’s whiskey bottle by adding water after taking a swig, or
(b) Chris Rock’s hilarious minute-long bit on ‘Tussin … which is guaranteed to make you chuckle.
.
If you run out of ‘Tussin, no problem.
Just put some water in the bottle and shake it up.
Just like that … mo’ ‘Tussin … mo’ ‘Tussin
* * * * * OK, back to the Maker’s Mark story …
By now everybody has probably heard that Maker’s Mark bourbon got themselves into a bit of a mess.
The primary cause: runaway sales.
Why’s that a problem?
Well, bourbon whiskey takes a few years to age … and a couple of years ago, Maker’s Mark management bet the under on future demand and didn’t start enough MM flowing through the distilling process.
So, Maker’s Mark can’t meet the market demand.
They can ramp up production, but the new brew won’t be ready for 6 years.
So, what did the jabrones decide to do … and why is it a problem?
OK, let’s start with the garden variety doping allegation.
Several news sources reported that Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees was “ensnared in a doping investigation once again when an alternative weekly newspaper reported baseball’s highest-paid star was among a half-dozen players listed in records of a Florida clinic the paper said sold performance-enhancing drugs.”
Technical question: What the heck is an “alternative weekly newspaper”? What is it an alternative to?
The Miami New Times said the three-time AL MVP bought human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing substances during 2009-12 from Biogenesis of America LLC, a now-closed anti-aging clinic in Coral Cables near Rodriguez’s offseason home.
Another technical question: What the heck is an “anti-aging” clinic? Glad to see it closed.
The New York Yankees third baseman issued a statement denying the allegations.
Now let’s move to the jaw-dropper: Raven’s LB Ray Lewis Accused of Using Performance Enhancing Deer Spray.
Dennis Miller has been on the campaign trail with Romney this week. I’m betting that he wrote much of Mitt’s Al Smith roast material … it’s pretty funny with a bit of edge.
Here’s the video … worth watching. My fav punch lines are below.
“Usually I get invited to events like this to be the designated driver.”
“This show is brought to you by the letter O and the number 16 trillion”
Re: debate prep: “I just abstain from alcohol for 65 years.”
Re: debate: “Big Bird never saw it coming.”
Overheard Pres. Obama: “So little time, so much to redistribute”.
“Polls are now showing Obama leading from behind”
Obama to the Pope: “Just blame everything on John Paul II”
Obama to voters: “Are you better off now than you were 4 weeks ago”
Tomorrow’s headline: “Obama engages Catholics, Romney dines with rich people.”
Architecture and design studio Kawamura-Ganjavian has announced the innovative Ostrich Pillow – essentially a combination pillow & hat that lets would- be nappers kick back or plop down wherever they may be.
The pillow features holes for your head and hands, and “has been designed to allow you to create a little private space within a public one.”
Last Thursday nite I was dismayed to watch Clint Eastwood live delivering his now infamous chat with Obama-the-empty-chair.
I thought the skit diminished the prime time pitches by wasting valuable time and setting, setting a wrong tone, and potentially monopolizing the next day news cycle.
Maybe I was wrong …
I think the GOP lucked into something.
First, the Eastwood pitch went viral … landing some grand symbolic punches on Obama (emperor has no clothes, empty suit, etc.) …. and coining a new pop culture expression: “Eastwooding” .
Just Google the word and you’ll see what I mean. It was most-Googled over the weekend.
Here are my favorite web posts … and the White House’s response.
I guess, sometimes it’s better to be lucky than to be smart.
More than any other bodily injury, getting hit in the family jewels is probably what every man dreads most … of all the spots on the human body, none register the same kind of incapacitating, end-of-the-world pain .
What causes such inconceivable pain?
Well, for starters, because of nerves, it’s gonna hurt.
Unlike most other parts of your body, though, the scrotum lacks protection in the form of bones, large muscle mass, and fat …. it absorbs the whole force of the blow all on its own.
Second, the groin has a ridiculously high number of sensory nerve endings, and such generous innervation makes good and bad touches alike very “noticeable” sensations.
And the pain doesn’t just stay down there … It radiates throughout the groin and up into the abdomen (and, psychically, out to every other dude standing within a few feet), leading to a weird stomach ache.
This is the work of a phenomenon known asreferred pain, which is when a sensation originating at one spot travels along a nerve root to other parts of the body and is perceived as happening there, too.
The pain starts in the groin and travels up the perineal and pudendal nerves and the spermatic plexus … to the abdomen and around the spine.
* * * * * Design flaw ?
Why is such a sensitive and delicate body part just hanging there in the open?
The placement of the testicles is inconvenient, but absolutely necessary.
The testes’ job is to produce sperm, and sperm are very fragile. They’re extremely sensitive to high and low temperatures, and must be kept away from the rest of the body.
They can handle human body temps for only one to four hours, or the average amount of time it takes them to travel through the female reproductive tract and fertilize an egg.
Internal testes or any type of significant shielding for them would heat them up too much, too early and make them drop out of the race well before reaching the egg, rendering them useless.
Ken’s Take: (1) OUCH ! (2) Compelling proof that god is a woman.
He might cavort with video vixens and rap about diamond-encrusted grills, but Houston rapper Slim Thug knows a thing or two about living within his means.
The self-proclaimed Black Suze Orman penned a 47-page e-book (ahem, “financial manifesto”) called “How to Survive the Recession”.
Some of Thug’s wisdom:
“If you can’t buy it THREE times over, you can’t afford it.”
“Never buy a house with unnecessary space”
“Never have a Bentley with a Benz salary.”
“Why pop a hundred bottles when it only takes a couple to get drunk?“
“Dude, say you got a million dollar check … You got to pay damn near half of it to taxes.”
The Hill reports that last week in Pennsylvania & Virginia — to “up the tempo” at campaign events” — President Obama switched from using a teleprompter to using note cards.
Hmmm.
Isn’t that when Obama went on his impromptu rant about how government, not entrepreneurs build businesses?
This will be fun to watch.
* * * * * Flashback
This news flash provides an archives opportunity.
Remember when O’s prompter failed at a White House event?
Team Obama says you shouldn’t give a bride & groom a toaster or impersonal cash … rather, you should make a donation – in their namse – to O’s re-election campaign.
I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon…
You know, ‘cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Wonder if the Secret Service agents have tried George’s Costanza defense?
Might not work, but would at least generate some yuks.
The NYT revelations that Target has been mining its data bases to early-identify pregnant women and “change their buying behaviors when they’re vulnerable to marketing initiatives” has gone viral.
Two ancient legends of the Canadian Football League (no, not Warren Moon) got into a fistfight at an alumni luncheon Friday in Vancouver.
Joe Kapp, a 73-year-old former quarterback (and coach of the Cal Bears from 1982-86), punched his longtime rival Angelo Mosca, a 74-year-old defensive linemen and longtime professional wrestler.
The two have disliked other since the 1963 Grey Cup (the CFL championship game). Apparently in that game, Mosca delivered a controversial hit on Kapp’s teammate Willie Fleming, knocking him out of the game.
When Mosca and Kapp were introduced, the luncheon’s host, comedian Ron James, told Kapp to give Mosca an olive branch from a table setting as a peace offering.
Mosca, however, had an alternate suggestion as to what Kapp could do with the olive branch. Kapp didn’t care for that idea and slugged Mosca, who hit Kapp with his cane, then stumbled off the stage.
Chris Rock — comedian and actor – says that he’s “fine with the president,” because he understands that the president has to keep his most aggressive policies on the back burner until he earns a second term.
More specifically …
“There’s a f——— art to the first term because you’re always running for a second term the whole time. You can’t really do your gangsta sh— until your second term.”.
“ I want more action. But I understand that he’s trying not to piss off a lot of people. But I believe wholeheartedly if he’s back in, he’s going to do some gangsta sh—.”
On Friday, with time running out, President Barack Obama urged Americans to “tweet” their members of Congress to seek a compromise on a debt ceiling deal.
The President first begged for tweets in his primetime address to the nation last week. I thought enough people ridiculed the plea that he’d shelve it. Not so.
Maybe I’m old-school, but I think stirring up tweets is un-presidential – and diminishes the office,
What next? The too cool President calling for a flash mob on the Capitol Hill steps?
* * * * * Drill baby, drill
I’m a big fan of analytics and data-driven marketing, but …
The “Analytics Department” is looking for predictive Modeling/Data Mining specialists to join the campaign’s multi-disciplinary team of statisticians, which will use predictive modeling to anticipate the behavior of the electorate.
We will analyze millions of interactions a day, learning from terabytes of historical data, running thousands of experiments, to inform campaign strategy and critical decisions.
Noonan’s observation: It reads like politics as done by Martians.
* * * * *
My brand’s been hijacked !
Bumper sticker that’s popping up …. combines tweeting and brand image … probably not sanctioned by the Obama campaign.
AGT has passed CSI to become my favorite TV show – at least, for now.
Watching last night, I was struck by two ironic commonalities between AGT and the President’s speech on Monday night.
First, the headline act was a guy named Professor Splash who belly-flopped 36 feet into a kiddie pool filled with 12 inches of water.
Great metaphor for solving the debt crisis, right?
Second, the winners are, of course, decided by folks phoning and emailing to vote for their favorites.
After performances, acts would wave the number of fingers that corresponded to their act’s ID number.
If only, the President had waved and shouted “ … and press the number 1 if you want balance and compromise” when he implored people to call and write to members of Congress.
Agree?
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P.S. Since you asked: My current favorite acts are Silhouettes – a choreographed group of kids that dance into amazing formations behind a screen to create artistic silhouettes …. and Prof. Splash – partly because I love the name.
I learned years ago that anybody can just start calling themselves “professor” and write a blog.
If this dude gets up to, say, 50 feet for his belly-dives, he deserves the $1 million. And, if he dies trying, his widow should get the money …
Here’s the video I’ve been waiting for…Warren Buffett – often quoted by Pres. Obama since he’s a fan of higher taxes – defending his honor as a corporate jet owner.
Guess Buffett doesn’t like being lumped with tanning salons.
